I had been feeling lost for some time and I could not pinpoint the reason. Grant it, I had experienced some recent losses, including my employment. But generally, I was trying to keep a positive outlook. I was working towards starting my own healing practice again, while looking for jobs, and using tools that I had to move through the emotions. And for a while all was reasonably well in my universe.
Now I have reasons to feel deep grief and loss. In the past few years I have lost loved ones, endured financial loss, moved several times, not to mention divorces and breakups earlier on. I was a caregiver, worked full-time, and tried to help my daughter meanwhile. So there was no time to fill up my cup during this period. My doctor however intervened at one point and “put me in time out to heal”. I used the time to familiarize myself with the stages of grief, started meditating, yoga, art, and did my best to move through the process. I learned self-care tools, asked for help, and read every material out there that I could find.
Yet there are times that the sadness emerges and brings a feeling of overwhelm. This time clouds appeared in my sky and all fears of failure and inadequacy came up, mocking my positive outlook.
Now I am not a religious person, but I do believe in a higher power who is loving and guides us when we need a light. I believe that if you have a vision and if you hold steadfast on your path, live a life with integrity and authenticity, your path will be illuminated and you will be guided. This belief did not come naturally to me, and it waxed and waned constantly, until it took hold in my psyche.
Hope and faith are two siblings who help pull you through in dark times, but for those couple of days, they were on leave and nowhere to be found. I could see their rivals, fear and panic, starting to make themselves comfortable in the armchairs of my mind!!
A childhood friend happened to call me to spend some time together. I welcomed the opportunity. We are both compadres in deep grief and loss, with similar stories, so being with someone who understands was a comforting prospect. We don’t tell each other “it’s time to move on” or try to fix anything for each other. As we were catching up and walking, speaking our native language, a lady approached us and greeted us in the same language. After some small talk, she looked at me and told a story of how she found her faith once when her son was ill, and she kept praying for healing. The story became relevant when she looked at me and said “You need to have faith”! Without me having spoken a word. Her parting words were: “Hope is not a maybe. Hope is real”. Incidentally, the meaning of her name was Angel!
Synchronicities occur in different ways if we pay attention. Someone had recognized that I need to hear those words. All day I received other signs that led me to believe things would work out, and sun would shine again. Logic doesn’t always light the way. Sometimes something more is needed to help us trust. Trusting an inner knowing, rather than listening to a rational mind.
No matter how deep our sorrow, if we can allow ourselves to feel it and move through it, like a wave, it will break and subside, until the next wave rises. I still feel my grief, but now when it peaks, I let it carry me to the next moment. And help arrives at the moment I need it.
We live in a messy world. We need every type of support we can find to help move us along. I am grateful for the support that shows up in my life, when I allow it.
If this resonates with you, I am honored to support you in your journey.
Your fellow traveler,
Shabnam